There is a lot of opinions about the pros and cons of bed sharing. One cannot be completely for bed sharing without acknowledging the risks just as those completely against it ignore the benefits of such arrangement. Leading pediatricians often have differing views on the subject and government agencies seem to change their mind every five minutes (without conclusive scientific evidence to back them up). Ultimately it is, as it should be, a personal choice for the parents to make. Anyone who think parents are careless or un-thoughtful because they simply don’t follow the “flavor of the day” recommendation from a government official with some political agenda needs a lesson in humility (and usually a lesson in science as well).
Personally i fall on the side of favoring bed sharing WHEN BASIC SAFTEY RULES ARE FOLLOWED. Parents have been sleeping with their babies since time immemorial and most still do both in this and other countries at least occasionally. There is ample direct and anecdotal evidence for the benefits of bed sharing (see links below) including ease of breastfeeding, regulating the breathing of the baby, and improving physical and emotional development as well as the quality of bonding between baby and parents. If you are on the “British boarding school” side of the bonding debate – that is fine. Being somewhere in the middle is also fine. I chose to believe that love, positive reinforcement, and physical contact with your baby are never corrupting – no matter the dosage. I find that this way of raising children does not produce any more selfish or self-centered children than alternative rearing methods and at the minimum is easier on the child.
If bed sharing is not for you, there is of course the option of room sharing. This option has many of the benefits of bed sharing without the risks often quoted against bed sharing. Some cribs are especially designed to be attached to the bed so that the mother can easily reach the baby for feedings. See for example our post about Arm’s Reach Mini Co-Sleeper Bassinet but there are of course many other similar cribs around.
If you are considering bed sharing understand the risks and make sure you follow common sense rules. You can find more professional advice in the links below but here is my 2 cent short list:
Bed sharing accidents are usually associated with very young babies (especially younger than 4 months old). Use more caution and strict safety measures with younger babies.
Have a co-sleeper or regular crib in the room as an option even if you are not regularly using it. Sometimes it is just good to get a break and be able to stretch a bit in bed.
If you are very tired, took sleeping pills, cold medicine, alcohol or any drugs that would make you sleep too deep - let the baby sleep in the crib.
When the baby is sleeping with you in bed have nothing on the mattress except a tight fitting bed sheet – not a blanket or a pillow. The room should not be too cold and you can wear heavier pajamas if you need to. As the baby gets a bit older (and can consciously push and move things to become more comfortable) you will sense when it is safe to add pillows and blankets.
Consider using a “sleeper” which is a baby mattress with a soft small raised “border” around it. We used it in the first weeks after she was born and it works as an extra protection and to keep her from rolling around. You can find them on amazon (for example, the Close and Secure Baby Sleeper. I could not find the one we actually used – but just be sure it is long enough for your baby. Ones that can elevate the head are also useful if your baby has reflux).
Last, you can start with a co-sleeper or a regular crib in the room and let your baby spend more time in your bed as they get a bit bigger (a few months old).
OK, so I hope you are not expecting an actual course for men about breastfeeding. This post is no more than a few of my observations. I do, by the way, recommend that you join your wife to a breastfeeding class – so you will know how to support your wife when she is having a hard time of it. This post will hopefully cover a few things that were not covered in my class. And please note that this post is not intended to women. In fact it is written in man-code and women are likely to misunderstand it and maybe even get offended due to translation issues. I strongly recommend that women skip this post or at least take it lightly.
Introduction
Breastfeeding is very beneficial to your baby. Despite what I may say below – please remember this important message. Aside from the nutritional value, the breastmilk contains antibodies from the mother and other germ-fighting stuff. Thus, breastfed babies tend to be healthier and fight off disease easier. The breast milk in the first few days is especially important (and is actually different from the milk produced after). Overfeeding is less likely with breastfed babies compared to babies on formula (and breastfeeding is much cheaper too). Babies enjoy boobs even more than you do – that is, it bonds the baby with the mother and builds confidence in the little one. The skin-to-skin touch and the sound of the mother’s heartbeat are calming and relaxing to the baby. Breastfeeding mothers benefit from less chances of breast cancer, post partum depression, among many other benefits. This is just a collection of facts I heard or read – feel free to search breastfeeding sites for the details and the studies.
While there are many pros as noted above, that there are some cons as well. First, your sex life will likely but placed in deep freeze for a long while. Second, your wife and baby will be spending hours every day feeding. It will impact every plan you have to leave the house and will require you to face some social attitudes toward breast feeding. But I am jumping ahead so lets start by getting to know your new social class.
When in Rome, Watch for Vespas Coming At You From All Directions
As you will soon find out there are many different opinions about breastfeeding. On the one extreme you have the breastfeeding fascists to whom the only acceptable way to feed a newborn is by breastfeeding. These are women who believe that the world was perfect until pesticides and modern medicine messed it up. You may have already met their close cousins when discussing your birthing plan (they would be the one suggesting ”giving birth while immersed in the ocean”) or the use of non-organic fabrics. Many lactation consultants belong to this cult-like group which holds that there is almost never a good reason to give a child breast-milk alternatives. In almost every city in the US there is at least one store which sells or rents breast pumps and their parts. If you ever had the “pleasure” of shopping in one of these stores (a.k.a “the hive”) you will undoubtedly meet some of these women. The first time I went to such a store to rent a hospital grade breast-pump I naively thought that I would be received as a hero – a supportive husband who is not afraid to go on a breast-related runs for his wife. On the way I reflected on how far we have come in this post-feminism era. Arriving there I was greeted by the owner who seemed genuinely annoyed to have had to deal with a man. As a kind of password, I had to provide the name of our lactation consultant (thank goodness we had one). She was not all that happy with the name (she said she could recommend other consultants whom she knows are great) but she let that go. She then interrogated me about my wife’s commitment to breastfeeding, scolded me for giving our baby any formula at all (our baby was having a hard time in th first few days), mocked me for attempting to use a non hospital-grade pump and ordered me on what parts to buy and how to assemble the pump. In this group men are generally not seen as being capable of relating to the act of breastfeeding. They are expected to stay away unless they are serving the mother. A few hints to identify these women in the crowd: they will likely mention Michael Jordan at some point (he was breast-fed until he was 3 – or so the legend goes) and will insist on calling baby formula “porridge” (at least in front of their 3 year old breastfeeding baby).
At the other extreme are some older single women with no kids and men who cannot see women as anything but a sex object. The former group gets disgusted by the thought of breastfeeding while the other group gets sexually turned on by it. Either way – to them breastfeeding is a shameful and lewd act which needs to be performed away from the public eye and never discussed in mixed company. To clarify, I am not saying that having a warm feeling when seeing a women breastfeeding is wrong. I myself think it is beautiful and wonderous to watch this natural, emotional yet primal act. I also think that mothers are no less sexy than their non-mother peers. However, the act of breastfeeding is about food and not sex. If that is not the image in your mind, you probably need to do some growing up - but at any rate please keep it to yourself. Women breastfeeding in public are focusing on feeding their baby not on exposing themselves to old men. Normally, unless you are trying really hard you are unlikely to see any flesh. So if this is uncomfortable to you (which it may be) it probably says more about you than the breastfeeding mother. Those of us who are lucky to live in a modern democracy know that your feeling of comfort is not a reason to suppress others from saying or doing what they want (within the confines of the law). Identifying this disapproving group is easier. You likely have them among your friends and family – especially if you live in the USA. Some may have been in or own a “Girls Gone Wild” DVD or you may find them in an anti-gay rally. Why? because regardless of your religious or moral views, it takes special obsession with sex, for or against, to devote your life to these causes (or maby I am just too lazy?). Personally I also found that some female flight attendants seem to have a hostile attitude toward breastfeeding. All of the above are drawn from my personal observations and gross generalization – and not from scientific surveys. They are probably wrong for most but hopefully help make my point. If you are part of the “anti-gay” or “girls gone wild” movements and I have offended you, I apologize (but still think you are wrong).
In focus: Breasts
So now you are saying: I am an expert on the subject – lets skip this chapter. Before you drift away let me assure you that this is a different set of observations. Again, this is my personal experience and I may get it wrong sometimes - so this is for entertainment only and should not be viewed as medical advice.
The first thing you will find very quickly is that your wife has a really easy time or a really hard time breastfeeding. This biological lottery depends on her genes, age, general health, mental state, etc (kind of like everything else that has to do withour body). Some woman produce lots of milk, some very little. Some have breast or nipple sensitivities which make it very painful to breastfeed. Not all babies can breastfeed (e.g. due to mouth and tongue deformities) and some have a hard time latching. You will find very quickly which category you belong to – as it will have a major impact on your life for the next year.
If your wife and baby have no problems breastfeeding and your wife produces plenty of milk, feeding will be quicker (which means your baby will sleep on her own more and your wife will have more time for herself), it will be easier to pump and store excess milk (which means that she can leave the house or get some sleep while you give her a break), and will likely make the breastfeeding experience a positive one.
While breastfeeding is a biological imperative, like other skills- walking, talking, etc.- it is helpful and often vital to have societal examples. Previous generations and other cultures are exposed to the nursing of infants their entire lives, and as a result have some basic knowledge about holds, latching and frequency. This kind of exposure and support to other nursing moms in a community can be really beneficial. Enourage your wife to seek out a breastfeeding support group or just hang around other mommies who are breastfeeding.
If your wife or baby have a hard time breastfeeding, the experience can be upsetting (a.k.a “I am a bad mommy”) , worrisome (“we are starving our newborn”), and all consuming (hours of breastfeeding, weighing, lactation consultants, breast-pump rentals, etc, etc). The size of the breasts, by the way, has nothing to do with milk production. Genetics, hormones and age (as well as the type of delivery and other factors) will have an impact how much milk the mother produces. For the reasons I mentioned at the beginning of the post, it is well worth trying hard to work through the first week – which is often the hardest. Most lactation consultants would argue that women that give up on breastfeeding usually give up too early and that we are biologically built to give our baby all the milk they need (which at the beginning is very little in volume). If you are having a problem or are simply not sure call a lactation consultant and do so as early as possible. Even as a confidence boost it is well worth it and you will save a lot of second-guessing and worries if you do. These difficult times is what separate good lactation consultants from bad ones (the latter belongs to the fascist group I mentioned above). If your lactation consultant is not flexible and unwilling to consider alternatives to breast milk she may make a bad condition worse. And it is worth to remember that ultimately it is up to the mother (not the husband and definitely not the consultant) to decide just how much effort and pain she is willing to invest in trying to breast feed.
While breastfeeding, your wife will need to be careful about what she eats. The breasts are kind of big sweat glands – so similar to sweat you would expect what you eat to pass through. In fact, in the first months of breastfeeding your wife’s diet may be more restricted than it was during pregnancy. And most medications she takes will have some impact on your baby – so consult your doctor and research online before taking anything. On the other hand, your wife is burning quite a bit of calories breastfeeding – so she will need to make sure she is eating healthy and plenty. And by the way, many women don’t lose any weight while breastfeeding but only after they stop.
You will likely also need to be familiar with clogged ducts, mastitis, thrush, cracked nipples and various rashes. These are basically things that can go wrong with the breast which will prevent or make breastfeeding very painful or even make your wife and baby very sick.
Bitty
The reference is to a sketch from the Little Britain show about a grown man who still has some “bitty” (breastfeeds) before dinner:
There is no concensus as to when is a good time to stop breastfeeding. The medical establishment in the US seems to recommend at least one year of exclusive breastfeeding followed by gradual introduction of solids and weaning. The reality is that your life and your baby will dictate the final decision. For working mothers the process may be shorter. Some babies will independently lose interest after being introduced to solids. In the US, where preK children are not expected to still be breastfeeding, there is a sub culture which continues to breastfeed for much longer but in secrecy. In our case, while we are trying to keep breast milk as the primary source of food until she is 1 year old, my guess is that breastfeeding will naturally become only a nightly thing and will eventually stop without much encouragement from us. Our little one has just too many things to do – and as she gains confidence and a social life her mother’s breasts may be needed less. Her mother, on the other hand, may not be ready to let go so quickly…
Conclusion
In conclusion, if your wife’s breast are perfect and perky I recommend you take private photos. After a year of breastfeeding they will no longer be perky or yours. You will have a precocious one year old running around – so you will probably be too tired to notice.
At first attempt, buying a book for your baby is quite easy. You enter your favorite book mega store go to the child section and there, in front of you, are tons of cute titles to choose from. They all have such happy and loving titles and they are published by the big names in the baby entertainment world. Bottom line, with these odds stacked in your favor how can you possibly go wrong? Cheerfully you select a few safe bets and head to the cashier. Compared to adult books these are fairly inexpensive so the last roadblock is lifted. Then you get home and start reading them to your little one….
If you are new to the game please note: everything you do with your baby you will end up repeating over and over and over again. This includes the songs you sing, the words you teach, the toys you play and, of course, reading the book you just bought. If this is the first instance you have actually read the book you may notice that it is poorly written, the poem does not ryme, the concepts are too complex, or it is simply too wordy. If fact it is amazing just how many issues a short child book can raise. And it is also quite surprising to find just how controversial some baby books can be. When we read to our progeny we care very much that the message the book sends and the lessons it teaches are in keeping with our values. And these values are hardly universial. For example, a book i recomended before, Guess How Much I Love You, depicts a friendly competition between an adult, “big nutbrown hare”, and a child, “little nutborwn hare” as to who loves the other more. I found the exchange to be loving and gentle. I also see no problem in a friendly and humerous competition. I my dealing with my little girl I often try to challange her young brain and allow her to work for things she wants (as much as a todler can, of course). As long as it is done with love and care, I see no problem in encouraging a competative nature in our young. However, some parents argue that this book is demeaning to little nutbrown hare and crushing to its spirit. They found the need of big nutbrown hare to outdue the little one intolerable and argue that love should not be something you fight over or for. Some took issue with the choice of ”nutbrown hare” which they found to be hard to pronounce and annoying to read to a little one. The point of this example is to show how the same book can be read so differently by different parents.
Of course, some books are just badly written or simply lack any spark or creativity. Books are supposed to enlighten us, teach us, lift our imagination or at least make us smile. You get the sense that some children authors and publishers produce books in bulk generating mediocre and lacklustre junk for mass consumption (not to worry, this is not a beginning of a diatribe against big corporations and the “man”…).
Since our shelf space at home is limited and knowing that our baby is going to want us to read each book over and over again - I take some care in deciding what I bring home. Once a book makes it through the front door, most of you will note that it rarely leaves. Nowadays I spent some time in the book store carefully reading each book before I decide to buy it. Not all the books I chose are funny, smart or even well written. But i do try to keep the really bad ones out. One thing I have learned, if a book I disapprove of enters our house it somehow always turn out to be my daughter’s favorite book.
For the new daddy’s out there – you must have a Mother’s Day plan. For women reading this post and thinking that I am incredibly cynical, I apologize, but in case you haven’t noticed, when it comes to romance, most men are clueless and need to be told exactly what to do. The exception, of course, are slick players who make it their life mission to learn how to tell you what you want to hear in order to manipulate you. Most of us take years to figure these things out and if your husband does not have a good role model (such as a married friend that actually loves and respects his own wife and is willing to share some advice) it is unlikely he will just simply figure it out. We are not taught how to express love in a romantic way – we build things and do things for you in the hope of demonstrating our love. If you want more from us – you will unfortunately need to spell it out. I do not think I am saying anything incredibly new here but I will readily accept that your hubby is different and probably should not read the following.
A quick background here for the totally clueless husbands: you know how your wife tells the story of your marriage proposal, your wedding day and how you reacted to the news that she is pregnant? These stories are the yardstick by which you are measured by her girl friends and, by extension, by which your wife is measured as well. True, not all women are obsessed with these details – but all women have to talk about these things with other women. It is always much easier to have an amazing romantic story than to have to explain that you are special in other ways. And this is where a mother’s day plan comes into play.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating fake gestures just to please her girl friends. You should celebrate this day in a way that fits your lifestyle and your wife’s preferences. If family bungee jumping is her thing then by all means do it. But you need to follow 2 rules: it should happen on mother’s day and it has to be worth telling her girl friends. A cruise ship trip next fall or changing her car’s oil are great gustures, but you are missing the point. Romantic and family oriented activities during this day will probaly score more points. Most wives do not require an elaborate setup or an expensive gift – just that you show that you remebered, that you care and that you planned this thing in advance.
A few standards include flowers, greeting cards (paper ones are much prefered to online versions as they demonstrate planning and effort), breakfast in bed, some pampering activity or a date at a special restaurant. If this is your wife’s first mother’s day, don’t forget to represent your newborn’s interests. A card from the baby or including the baby in the breakfast presentation (dressing her up etc) will do the trick. You can be more creative but make sure you cover your bases. It is always better to have something planned for the morning before your wife starts calling other mothers to congratulate them. If you are planning a fancy dinner – let her know about it in the morning when you give her flowers or a greeting card.
Your wife first Mother’s Day is an important one. After years of congratulating others she is finally a mommy. If you can, push back business trips and cancel plans with your friends. Hopefully making your wife happy is a good enough reason. If it is not, think of it as a good investment: investing some effort in strategic times will go a long way in the future. If you miss this date, it will take a lot more than flowers to make her forgive you and she will likely never forget. Of course, if you need to be convinced to stay at home on mother’s day, mother’s day is probably the least of your marriage problems. If you really cannot make it due to reasons beyond your control, make sure to plan ahead and arrange for a delivery so that she knows you were thinking of her and that you really would have liked to be there with her.
I hope you didn’t miss the boat this year. If you did, there is still time for damage control. A Mother’s Day card late is better than none at all. And it may take a more expensive gift or a bigger gesture - but if you are really sorry you will probably get through this… We are not looking for perfection here – just best effort. Trust me, when it comes to marriage I am, like most, far from perfect. Good luck.
OK, so I hope you are not expecting an actual course for men about breastfeeding. This post is no more than a few of my observations. I do, by the way, recommend that you join your wife to a breastfeeding class – so you will know how to support your wife when she is having a hard time of it. This post will hopefully cover a few things that were not covered in my class. And please note that this post is not intended to women. In fact it is written in man-code and women are likely to misunderstand it and maybe even get offended due to translation issues. I strongly recommend that women skip this post or at least take it lightly.
